The Arizona desert doesn't suffer from gophers, so I've been out of touch with this scourge. But returning to our B&B&B farmstead in Minnesota this spring gave me a crash course in remembering.
We had a number of difficulties that kept me from taking action against the fresh mound waiting in the back yard, so I sic'ed the cats on it. After all, they are barn cats and very proficient hunters last summer. Even though they did take comfortably to being lap cats all winter in Arizona, I felt certain they would relish attacking fresh moving food once set free again. Yeah, right....dream on.
I looked out to see three of them sitting around the mound apparently trying to vibe the gopher out to play. The next morning, four cats lined up to come in for kibbles and a new mound in the yard.
Gopher Gwen
cats 1 0
Realizing the cats were out of practice, and spoiled to boot, I dug out the bait I had from last year that worked pretty good on the ground squirrels in the pastures. I liberally sprinkled the pellets into the hole. The next morning a third mound had appeared.
Gopher Gwen
cats 1 0
bait 1 0
_______ _____
2 0
Digging into the gardening box a little deeper I found the poison gas cylinders. I dug out that third mound, lit the fuse and slipped the tube far down into the hole. I placed a piece of cardboard over the hole and piled dirt on top of that. As I was about to do the same to the previous mounds small whiffs of gas seeped out of the fresh dirt and wafted around, driving me upwind and away from my good intentions. But I felt confident that stuff would do the job. Next morning a fourth mound awaited my frustration.
Gopher Gwen
cats 1 0
bait 1 0
gas cylinder 1 0
__________ _______
3 0
Ok, enough is enough. Time to get serious. Down to the Farm Supply store I went. Came away with a nasty looking skewer-them-in-the-middle looking weapon and some bait the salesman said was a Super-Duper-Sure-Fire-Gopher-Getter poison. The bait was probably an over kill, but better to have it on hand than not. It took me awhile to get the trap set so I didn't bother to tether it to the ground. After all, a gopher skewered with that thing wouldn't make it an inch let alone get away with the hardware. Just to keep the cats safe, I put a milk jug with the bottom cut out over the hole so they wouldn't reach down in there and get maimed. Some dirt piled around the base to keep the jug stable and I was all set to do my victory dance. Next morning I looked out and the jug was completely dark. Upon examination I found the entire jug was filled with fresh dirt all the way to the top! When I uncovered the hole and poked a stick in, no trap was to be found. That little beast had stolen the whole thing and stuffed the jug in an obvious "Up Yours"! Next morning a whole new mound!
Gopher Gwen
cats 1 0
bait 1 0
gas cylinder 1 0
prong trap 1 0
______ _____
4 0
That does it! The salesman assured me the Super-Duper-Sure-Fire-Gopher-Getter bait would do the trick. In fact he says he isn't even going to carry any other brand it is so far superior. With that comforting thought I scooped away the fresh dirt and loaded up the hole with SDSFGG and even opened up the aborted trap effort hole and spiked it with SDSFGG too. Next morning, ANOTHER (expletive deleted) MOUND!!
Gopher Gwen
cats 1 0
bait 1 0
gas cyliner 1 0
prong trap 1 0
Super-Duper-bait 1 0
_______ _______
5 0
The yard was beginning to look like it had been peppered with IEDs !! As I stood looking out the window, fuming at the destruction I saw a small shower of dirt puff out of the mound! Rubbing my eyes I looked again. Again the dirt! I grabbed my .22 and slipped out the front door around behind the utility trailer. Squinting through the sight I waited. The gopher raised up about a quarter of his body out of the hole and I squeezed. CLICK. Dud shell! Crap! I eased back behind the trailer hoping I wasn't seen and ejected the next two shells. Moving slowly I resumed my aim and waited. He stuck his body out again. POW! Perfect heart shot! YEAH !!!!
Gopher Gwen
cats 1 0
bait 1 0
gas cylinder 1 0
prong trap 1 0
Super-Duper Bait 1 0
.22 0 1
______ _______
5 1
But mine is the only one that counts !
So far, no more mounds, no evidence of gophers and still four lazy, spoiled cats eating kibble.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Short Story: Domestic Goddess
A Domestic Goddess I aren’t and never will be. Learned quick on it don’t pay. Don’t earn no wages. Don’t earn no respect. Don’t fetch no security. And sure not a dern thing sexy about it.
Now don’t git me wrong. I like a clean house over a dirty one any day. But if that means I gotta quit readin’ my good Readers Digest novels or meetin’ friends fer lunch ‘cause I should ought to be washin’ winders or scrubbin’ floors or just pickin’ up after the ol’ man…well, I’m content enough with the dirt.
Shouldn’t ought be that way, but it is.
I mean, picture me this: some 15 year old pecker head panting in a girl’s ear, "Come on… just a little feel. Really turns me on when I think what a spic and span house you keep for yer Pappa."
Or can you see a fellow thinkin’, "I’d divorce that skank in a minute if she didn’t keep such a tidy house."
Or how ‘bout a husband turnin’ down a cheap piece on the side ‘cause he’s thinkin, "I’m not a gonna do it ‘cause I got the best little housekeeper a man could want just awaitin’ back home."
Now suppose a couple’s sittin’ with their lawyers in front of the judge and the judge a sayin’, " Yep, Little Wifey, you done kept up his house so fine these last 30 years I’m gonna award you 75% of all his income fer now on ‘till forever as payment fer all yer hard work and ‘cause now he’s gonna have to do it all fer hisself cause he don’t have the money to pay it done no more. That’ll teach him what a fine deal he done cheated hisself out of!"
I’m not kiddin’ no way ! Just think about it. Even insurance companies prove it all the time. If a wife gits kilt. They don’t award the husband the amount she’s worth for all the scrubbin’, washin’ and pickin’ up she does ever day. Hell no ! But they sure do award him a chunk for ‘punitive damages’ for all his pain and sufferin’. They might as well call it ‘pokeless damages’ cause what they,re really sayin’ is with her dead he don’t got nothing left to poke! Now if that ain’t puttin the value where it really is I don’t know what is!
So all this thinkin’ ‘bout the value of bein’ a domestic Goddess made it real clear to me that I’m gonna take my household and grocery allowance and head off to Victoria’s Secret. Then when folks come over and tsk-tsk the condition of my house and wonder why my husband puts up with it, you can bet the secret will stay safe with me.
Now don’t git me wrong. I like a clean house over a dirty one any day. But if that means I gotta quit readin’ my good Readers Digest novels or meetin’ friends fer lunch ‘cause I should ought to be washin’ winders or scrubbin’ floors or just pickin’ up after the ol’ man…well, I’m content enough with the dirt.
Shouldn’t ought be that way, but it is.
I mean, picture me this: some 15 year old pecker head panting in a girl’s ear, "Come on… just a little feel. Really turns me on when I think what a spic and span house you keep for yer Pappa."
Or can you see a fellow thinkin’, "I’d divorce that skank in a minute if she didn’t keep such a tidy house."
Or how ‘bout a husband turnin’ down a cheap piece on the side ‘cause he’s thinkin, "I’m not a gonna do it ‘cause I got the best little housekeeper a man could want just awaitin’ back home."
Now suppose a couple’s sittin’ with their lawyers in front of the judge and the judge a sayin’, " Yep, Little Wifey, you done kept up his house so fine these last 30 years I’m gonna award you 75% of all his income fer now on ‘till forever as payment fer all yer hard work and ‘cause now he’s gonna have to do it all fer hisself cause he don’t have the money to pay it done no more. That’ll teach him what a fine deal he done cheated hisself out of!"
I’m not kiddin’ no way ! Just think about it. Even insurance companies prove it all the time. If a wife gits kilt. They don’t award the husband the amount she’s worth for all the scrubbin’, washin’ and pickin’ up she does ever day. Hell no ! But they sure do award him a chunk for ‘punitive damages’ for all his pain and sufferin’. They might as well call it ‘pokeless damages’ cause what they,re really sayin’ is with her dead he don’t got nothing left to poke! Now if that ain’t puttin the value where it really is I don’t know what is!
So all this thinkin’ ‘bout the value of bein’ a domestic Goddess made it real clear to me that I’m gonna take my household and grocery allowance and head off to Victoria’s Secret. Then when folks come over and tsk-tsk the condition of my house and wonder why my husband puts up with it, you can bet the secret will stay safe with me.
My Novice Beginning
So.....
What am I doing here in Bloggerville?
Wanting to be discovered, I guess.
Hope folks will find something on this site that will inspire them to come visit our B&B&B here in Minnesota.
Or, enjoy some of the short stories I have written.
Maybe even tune in periodically for a peek at pictures. Some will be before and after shots in the reinventing of this old farmstead. Probably a number will be of animals since they are such a part of my life.
But, then again I like to ramble on about many topics that tumble through my head, so Bloggerville seems like a good place to engage in banter with others.
Hope to meet other active minds on this site.
Always remember:
Lead an Active Life, or you will be doomed to Live a Reactive One.
Happy Trails!
What am I doing here in Bloggerville?
Wanting to be discovered, I guess.
Hope folks will find something on this site that will inspire them to come visit our B&B&B here in Minnesota.
Or, enjoy some of the short stories I have written.
Maybe even tune in periodically for a peek at pictures. Some will be before and after shots in the reinventing of this old farmstead. Probably a number will be of animals since they are such a part of my life.
But, then again I like to ramble on about many topics that tumble through my head, so Bloggerville seems like a good place to engage in banter with others.
Hope to meet other active minds on this site.
Always remember:
Lead an Active Life, or you will be doomed to Live a Reactive One.
Happy Trails!
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